Considering the changes our world has experienced in the last year and beyond, I truly can’t help myself – I’m excited for new possibilities. What better time than 2021 to re-evaluate what we’ve taken for granted. This article is not clickbait. Let’s dive right into it. What (admittedly from my vantage point) could we stand to see less of as we transition into a “new normal?”
1. Independence. Classic American value, independence. Is gives us a sense of control over our own lives, both our successes but also our failures. Whether we win or we lose, at least we did it “our way.” It both absolves us of debt to others, and also relieves us of a that nagging sense that we are stuck in circumstances beyond our own power to change. But in both of these situations, we’re making an attempt to escape: Escape from debt, from powerlessness, from insecurity. But it’s a false sense of security. None of us are completely independent. No one made anything happen on their own. That’s simply not possible.
Try this instead: Interdependence. Consider the healthy relationships you share with others. What is it about this relationship that feeds you, and how are you giving back? Whether it’s mutual respect, love and trust, a functional living dynamic with a good roommate, or working on a team of reliable coworkers, the healthy, free-flowing energy that exists in our strongest bonds is what helps us stand taller and be more resilient. Where are those relationships? How can you further strengthen these? Conversely, where in your life is there a disproportionate flow of energy and what small changes could be possible? But above all, throw the ideal of self-sufficiency out. It’s 2021. We need more strong communal bonds, not less. How do we work together, and how can we be better together?
2. Forgiveness. Forgiveness is motivated by the desire to do good things. We want to let go of bitterness. We want to heal from hurt. We want to move on. In some cases, forgiveness can do exactly those things. Forgiveness can be a very helpful way to release residual pain from a broken relationship, or past wrong done against us. If the person who did the wrong thing is no longer in your life then, yes, forgiveness may be exactly what is called for in order to move on. See it as a way to perform self-compassion. Holding on to bitterness will not heal your soul. But there’s another, darker element to forgiveness: What do you do when someone is using it as a way to manipulate you back into an unsafe situation. Forgiveness can just as easily be a not-so-cleverly-disguised technique to keep you in a cycle of hurt. Forgiveness is not a good value in and of itself. Releasing past pain and moving forward needs to be done with the understanding that healthy behavior needs to exist in the relationship. In other words, in some instances change needs to happen before you can move forward – not forgiveness.
Try this instead: Loving Boundaries. Not everyone deserves to be in your life at the same level. It can feel wrong, even hurtful, to have to set up and enforce boundaries around someone you love, but sometimes it must be done. It is a difficult balance to strike, because the hurt that renders the boundaries necessary can result in anger or bitterness. Which is why it might be beneficial to move forward replacing forgiveness with loving boundaries when the circumstances require. That love and desire for reconciliation can be better put to use in creating a healthy framework for a new sort of relationship to be possible. One that keeps you safe and maybe allows for the other to change their behavior – or not. Love can motivate both forgiveness and boundaries, but in some circumstances only one of those will allow for your own personal growth and safety.
3. Self-Love. An appropriate amount of self-love is not only healthy, it’s necessary. But it’s very easy to reduce self-love to a few affirmations, a glass of wine and an extra-long shower. Worse still, self-love can sometimes look more like an exercise in privilege – spending copious amounts of money and time on yourself in ways that many don’t have the luxury of enjoying. Messages of self-love and wellness, more and more, can come off trite and reductionist in a world where schisms between those who have and those who don’t seem to be increasing. Self-love isn’t bad, but it certainly seems a little more incomplete the more we understand.
Try this instead: Self-compassion. Self-compassion holds space for the variety of realities and situations that exist. Are you affluent and abundant right now? Excellent. Be compassionate as you work the material around your privilege. Are you struggling to make ends meet? So it is. Breathe deeply. Rest when you can. Is your mental health a challenge? Okay. How can you practice kindness in your frustration? Much like you might ask yourself how you can better love a partner through all of their moods, struggles, highs and lows, ask yourself how you can love yourself better through all of those same things. Acknowledge where you are. What needs to be dealt with. Where rest is possible. Look at yourself realistically. And then be compassionate.
4. Positivity. Positivity culture has been rightly called out for its tone-deaf and toxic nature. It’s fairly safe to say that no one who has endured true suffering and loss wants to essentially be told to “look on the bright side” as if their objective pain is a mere factor of subjective perspective. Life doesn’t work like that. Human nature doesn’t work like that. It’s 2021. We’ve been through hell, and back, and back again; it’s time to own up to the fact that pain and struggle will be a part of life, and running from their reality into the arms of a cliché won’t resolve anything. Most often, positivity feels like one huge, nauseating lie, the emotional equivalent of treating a raging infection with a cotton swab and some Epsom salts. I mean…it’s nice enough but where is the healing?
Try this instead: Honest gratitude. There is value in a shift in perspective. Your perspective will create your reality, but it isn’t healthy to try and dupe yourself into happiness. An honest assessment of your own experiences is necessary for health and growth. However, gratitude is the key antidote to the overwhelm of negativity. This is based on a belief (and it is a belief, but I still hold it to be true) that there will always be at least one thing to be grateful for. Some instances lend themselves to gratitude more easily than others. Sometimes, you need to be thankful for something completely unrelated. If you see absolutely nothing to be thankful for in sickness, be thankful for a bed to sleep in and a cup of hot tea. If there’s no joy in debt, be grateful for your family and health. To take it a step further, and deepen the perspective shift, there may be gratitude to be had in the circumstance itself. Maybe. That can be difficult, near impossible, so don’t judge yourself if it just isn’t happening. Remember not to force it, or you’re right back in false positivity. Find an honest and true thing to be thankful for. Just one. Sit with that feeling and then go right back to frustration and venting if you need to. We do what we must.
5. Trusting Your Gut. This one was hard for me to admit, let alone give up. But I think it’s an important takeaway from 2020, especially (and I’m calling us out, here) for white folx: Your gut can’t be completely trusted. Implicit bias clouds the third eye. It’s a hard admission for a mindfulness instructor and yoga teacher, but knowing our limits to clear thinking is important for actual clear thinking. The instinctual response to situations, events, and people (especially people) needs to be properly relegated to what it is: important information, nothing more. Information doesn’t tell a whole story on its own. We shouldn’t ignore it, but we shouldn’t give it exclusive weight to dictate an experience.
Try this instead: mindfulness + presence. Presence is our ability to be fully (or at least, as much as possible in each moment) in touch with ourselves. It isn’t easy, and it’s harder for some than others. But if you are not aware of what you’re bringing in to a situation, how do you plan to trust your “instincts”, exactly? How do you even know that they are your instincts? Mindfulness is the path we take to get there. Mindfulness makes us pause and be. True mindfulness brings us into a space that is only occupied by the here-and-now. This moment-by-moment experience connects us with our own presence and helps us be more aware of self. Not just the biases we carry, but also important info such as intuition. It’s all important. It’s all a part of our ability to make clear judgements and decisions.
All of these new things to try this year are a form of self-management. Drop a line here to get more information on being a better managed you, or to work one-on-one with self-management coaching.
Photo by Isaac Smith on Unsplash
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