I have this resounding itch to say a thing, so I’m just going to put this out to the universe: Polarities aren’t problems.
The resultant gut punch of this truth once uttered is definitely one of the greater themes of my life.
I want tension to be resolved. I don’t want to maintain a balance. I want to flip-flop from one pole to another with ease and at will, and I certainly want no one to tell me to do otherwise.
I don’t want to live with conflict. I don’t want to manage inner turmoil. I just want to eat a taco at whichever pole speaks to me at that moment, and I don’t want to move, and I defy anything that tells me I might want to at least consider moving. And IF I hop to the other pole, it is only because I got bored on that end and I might try hanging out over here for a bit. Until I get bored again.
I don’t want to explore my forces for sameness or change, and I don’t want to look at what’s in the middle. I’d rather deny the balance, the need for understanding, and the deeper meanings that might awaken me to myself.
Behold, ya girl as she naturally is when left to her own devices.
To be fair to myself, I’m wiser than this. But, again, if I had my way and had not seen value in being any other way, if I encountered a polarity in a back alley, I’d f*cking stab it. I hate tension. I don’t want to keep balance. I don’t often want to know what keeps me here or what moves me there.
But I try to every day. I try to because I worry that, without that examination, if I encountered myself in a back alley, I’d also stab me. Have done so, metaphorically. I’m unkind to myself. Far worse than berate myself, I withhold love from myself. I’m both intentionally and mindlessly cruel to my own self.
The first step to standing in our own light is to face our shadows, and polarities contain some of our darker shadows. They are the gross examination of why we do what we do, or don’t do what we don’t do, and what inside of us could we possibly fear more? I think that’s why we approach our own inner tensions as problems to be solved, innately negative and cumbersome to life. They are cumbersome in the sense that they are where we get stuck. Lack of forward motion often relates to two interdependent and yet competing desires.
The ultimate polarity of everyone everywhere is I want to change but I ALSO want to stay the same.
And then each more specific balance is just an iteration of that larger theme. Fill in the blank: I want (insert thing that is familiar) but I also want (insert new, scary thing)
God, a life well known is hard, isn’t it?
You know, every time you want some new change for yourself and can’t quite seem to make it happen, if you look behind you, you’ll most likely see some old familiar Something that holds you close by. And here is the secret: The trick is not to break free. Nor is it to let go.
The trick is to understand it better.
More to come. But that’s what I had to say today.
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